Library wishlist (part 5)

 Mr Muggs thought he'd seen enough. This library gig wasn't turning out quite how he expected with teachers invading the space and trying to turn it into a classroom, and teaching toward the North East, where ever that was. 

It's a school said Pablo the mouse. Humans, especially little people need to learn. 

They are going about it in a very odd way, said Mr Muggs. Also I don't agree with how they are grouping the little people into different colours. When I was a kitten at the SPCA nobody cared what percentage of cats were black, white, striped or black and white like me. We just all wanted homes and to be loved. 

Pablo thought for a bit. He was a brown mouse colour and didn't really notice as he thought all mice were mouse colours like he was.  Well..all kiwis are brown..he said, except for that one white kiwi who was an albino they found in the South Island. 

Maybe it was snowing where he was, so he changed his colour to blend in?

Mr Muggs examined his paws. Well I don't know. Next the teachers want to colour coordinate all the books instead of grouping them by size. 

What happened to the librarian? Asked Pablo. 

Good question. said Mr Muggs, maybe she's gone to the North East. I will have to find out...

Well before you go doing some investigative research, how about a game of The Floor is Lava?

Better work stories - Deejay

 I was first introduced to radio work by my dad, when he roped me in to co-hosting Vinyl Revival, his old time record show. I don't particularly like the sound of my own voice, but I had to speak up sometime, and it might as well be on radio where people could tune in. 

Dad wrote down everything I had to say in blue. My job was to announce the records he was going to play. I never got to to choose them, he had all the timings noted down and the order and I would announce the artist, the year it was released, the title of the song/instrumental, and maybe what position it had reached on the Billboard charts, many many years ago.

Dad had a collection of thousands of vinyl records, mostly 45s, and it was an outlet for him to share those with listeners as he complained that on commercial radio, everyone played the same old songs over and over again. I thought this was because he never listened to anything new after 1964. 

So growing up I never thought it odd that we lived in a time warp of sound, at least in his car, and I somehow knew the words to every teen idol record ever published that made a dent on the charts. Some of these songs were inane and many of them had that annoying 4/4 polka type beat to them. However there was nothing I could do about that, and Dad was paying me McDonalds for breakfast for co-hosting, so who was I to say no?

Technology had advanced over the years so that Dad no longer had to bring along his actual records to the studio and could now load them on to his memory stick which, sometimes, he forgot to bring as it was so tiny. I had to remind him - don't forget your memory stick! 

Other old-timers got into the nostalgia racket. An entire station dedicated to oldies was called 'Unforgettable Music' or 'Today FM' and they constantly reminded the baby boomers that yes, they were young and free and would never ever grow up. I, being of Generation 'Y' wondered if in my twilight years I would be like that, reminiscing over my lost youth of the 80s and 90s having a fondness for replaying old Madonna songs and wearing bike pants and scrunchies with shoulder pads. Or maybe MC Hammer Pants. 

I am probably not far off. When the teachers decided they would all go to a Motown concert they were all in. At the Motown concert I went down to the front of the stage to get close to the action. In the front row were the bands' grey-haired parents in their wheelchairs, enjoying the show. Some things never get old. 

Library wishlist (part 4)

 T's room was now transformed. She'd removed every last poster with words on it, because the children would be distracted by all the words. The books were hidden away, and the shelves cleared. 

She bought out the laminating machine and proceeded to make labels with T's room on them all, so nobody would ever mistake the room for a former library. 

Then she took the prison chairs away and got in bigger chairs (also with her name on it) because she could never fit on the smaller chairs. T dumped last years library members book and took down all the handwritten signs the children had made that were full of spelling mistakes, and their name tags. -Name tags! S should have just remembered everyones names. No teacher would make their children wear humiliating name tags - that was cheating. 

Everything was going to be printed on the computer and laminated like a proper professional classroom. She had her teachers outfit all ready - black jacket, monogrammed, and black shoes, and black trousers. She wheeled in her trolley that was going to hold not books but her important Teachers items. Tim Tams, Tote Trays and Tiny Teddies.

Then she wheeled in the white board and called a Teacher's hui. She drew a graph on the whiteboard and labeled each axis x and y. She drew an arrow diagonally across the board. The teachers all piled in to the former library now T's room and watched T warily. They had their own classrooms to organise, and hui time was eating into those precious minutes. Would this take long? 

We are now aiming to teach to the North East. Said T. 

There were a few groans, and rolled eyes, but yes that was what the Teachers Resources all said. One new teacher put up her hand. Uh, where exactly is the North East? I just came from Hobsonville, and I thought this area was the North West. 

Better work stories - Publish or Perish

 I studied for a diploma of Editing and Proofreading, but the course became out of date almost as soon as I completed it, so learning all the signs of proofreading seemed redundant and only good for anyone who couldn't turn their automatic grammar and spellcheck on their Word document computer.

However I did manage to proofread and edit a few university assignments (paid for by the poor student!) and nearly an entire novel about the French Revolution. I can't say if it's been published, because I would have heard if it was - but it gave me a few nightmares because, well people got their heads chopped off and I didn't like the whole demi-monde world that much. Also the protagonist was a 'French girl' and you know all the cliches about French girls - they are easy, they are like Brigit Bardot, they get by on pure sex appeal. And it was written from the male point of view which made it even more 'Memoirs of a Geisha' like. Ugh. Or maybe '50 Shades of Grey.' 

Though it didn't really matter what *I* thought of the content - I was just there to check the spelling, grammar, and run on sentences. Which there were a lot of, and I would cut and cut until the paragraphs made sense and weren't repeating what had already been told in the previous paragraph. It was like the author had forgotten what he was writing about and rehashed the plot over and over again. 

So working to deadlines and subediting and word counts are something I'm not a huge fan of. I had enough of that in my university days. I worked in libraries that had off site storage areas for the thousands and thousands of journal articles dating back to the 19th century it seemed. A professor would call up the interloans desk and I would charge $14 for a journal article to be photocopied and sent to their office. Or they could do it electronically, which was a bit easier, though I wondered just how many journal articles did a Professor have to read to keep on top of it all. They all needed citations and footnotes and bibliographies too, and to be checked, and peer reviewed. 

I probably spent about half the day in front of the photocopier, scanning away. Imagine doing that for the page of every single book - and some librarians have actually done it, digitised their entire collection so that everyone can just read on their tablets or whatever. They would have had to have done it retrospectively, because nowadays, publishers will automatically have an e-book version from the get go. 

My thing would be to read every single book out loud so that everything that was ever published would now be on audio. However it seems only actors and actresses get to do that, because nobody really wants to hear a novel being read in a Kiwi accent. People want to hear the Holy Bible being read by Laurence Olivier and Shakespeare being read by ...Laurence Olivier. However I do know that Beatrix Potter's Tales were read by his wife Vivien Leigh. 

The National Library keeps two copies of everything that is ever published in New Zealand and has its own cataloguing record. I've never actually worked IN the National Library but I think it would be kind of cool just to see everything there. Obviously a job for bibliophiles. Not saying I am one or anything...

Better Work Stories - Optional Extra

 A friend convinced me to sign with a talent agency for extra work on tv. At the time, there was a lot of film work happening out West, what with the popularity of The Piano and the rugged west coast beach scenery that formed the backdrop to fantasy epics like Xena, Warrior Princess and the Adventures of Hercules.

I did get to be on Xena when they filmed a story set in a Chinese village. The story went that someone had discovered gun powder in ancient China and Xena's enemies were using it for nefarious purposes. So Xena was going to counter this with her Xena powers of love and panty shields. Or something. I played a villager, amongst all the other Chinese extras going about their business at the market, and we were all under Xena's benevolent protection. Well, she was our white saviour. 

My friend got a part on another episode where she played an Amazonian because she was tall. And then she got modelling work because she was so tall. I was too short to model, and nothing I could do would make me taller, because everyone else would be wearing heels too unless I wore stilts. 

Another time I played a Pink Power Ranger so was hidden under a pink costume and helmet, and nobody could tell it was me. I don't know what the story was about that but we played it in a quarry like it was the end of the world and everything was bombed out. 

I played an angry Asian tourist in The Brokenwood Mysteries. I was also one of the airline passengers in Air New Zealand flight to China, where they folded the seats down to make air couches. Though it was very short couches that you still had to curl up in. 

I was on Shortland Street as an anaesthetist. I wore scrubs and had to look like I was monitoring a machine hooked up to a patient and making notes on a clipboard. I drank fake beer at the IV. I met Dr Chris Warner (or the guy who played him) and we just talked about gardening.

I once auditioned for a role of a teacher but I wasn't that convincing. I had to point to the whiteboard and make out like I was teaching. They picked someone else...

One time they did film in Henderson library but I did not get to play the librarian. They picked someone else who looked MORE like a librarian than the actual librarians themselves and had her careening on a book trolley. What does a librarian look like anyway? Well for the most part we do wear glasses. Otherwise anything goes. 

Crowd scenes were fun because you got to see the dolly cameras and the grip guys arms always got sore holding the mikes. We just played people and got to wear our own clothes. Except for anything stripy or red. There was an ad for some kind of jewellery that had to film on a train, so we had to film  when the trains weren't running and the call time was like 4am in the morning. 

There were shoots at cafes, streets, in parks, round the neighbourhood, outside hairdressers, it was all rather random. The best thing was the catering - out of all the jobs I've done, filming jobs have the best food. Who can be their best on an empty stomach? It made up for the lousy pay! I usually took a book to read because it was a lot of waiting round for the light to be just right if filming outside, and the noise levels low (I am rather good at being quiet - all that time keeping my mouth shut has paid off) But if you are looking for me on TV good luck because blink and you'll miss my less than 15 minutes of fame. 

Have I ever thought about being an actress? Yeah...nah. It's not fun being an actress. You always have to play someone else. You can never just be yourself...and I kinda like being myself. At least I know who I am! 

Library wishlist (part 3)

 T set about dismantling the library, to make it T's room. Now that S was gone, T could do whatever she liked. T had broadly hinted to S that she was going to make it into a classroom, but S, being naive, didn't pick up the hint early on and had kept on doing her library job, doing librarian things, reading books and what not, and generally being a nuisance in the school by writing her interminable novel emails. Which nobody read, because they didn't have time. 

T couldn't handle all that reading at once. She would have to wear her glasses, to see the words, and that would make her look like a nerd. 

That was the other thing, S was known for her crazy librarian outfits. One time she came to school wearing all stripes. No teacher would wear such a get up like they were in jail. Teachers usually wore their own uniform consisting of denim jacket, black leggings, and white brand name sneakers. Or their sports gear. S would wear polka dots, or she would dress like Santa's little helper, or fairy wings and bunny slippers.  Of course nobody said anything to her face. It was all kind of a bit...attention seeking. Like she was a middle child or something. Who always knew the answers to everything. So annoying! She had also encouraged the children to wear glasses. But that just made them believe they were smarter than the teachers..and if there's anything that a teacher doesn't like, the one pet hate they had was a kid being smart to them! 

Anyway, no matter. T made all the teachers wear florescent vests with their names on the back, to look like traffic wardens. The school needed some law and order, otherwise it would drown under a tide of plastic juicie wrappers.  S never got one because she was never on duty in the playground, she was always in the library.

 But now there would be no library, because it was going to be T's room. T took down the 'Yes we are open/closed' shop sign in the window. She pushed all the book shelves back to the wall and covered them with cloth so that nobody could touch the books, there were far too many of them, and they were distracting! 

Mr Muggs was watching all this activity from the corner where the red bean bags were. He wondered when S was coming back to feed him more Fancy Feast, because T was totally ignoring him.  He had heard T speak with the SPCA on the phone, and was alarmed when he heard there was going to be a dog in the library. Pablo the mouse wouldn't like that! 

Library Wishlist (part 2)

 T never got round to reading the Ranui Children's wishlist as she was more interested in the beanbags than the books. One was filled with old cushions and the other two were filled not with beans but foam chip and lavender flowers. They made a good landing for tired children who would often collapse after running around the library, playing tiggy. She was lucky that S did not play 'The Floor is Lava' game or teach it, because then the library would have really got out of control. 

While scanning in the Teachers Resources she noted that S had left a sign on the library computer in the office. It said 'Out of Order, until we win lotto'.  Odd, thought T. We don't play lotto at school. That is unacceptable gambling. Was S trying to turn the library into a casino? The library was supposed to be what it was always meant to be - a classroom!

Then she noticed Mr Muggs the library cat napping in his box next to the Lucky Pig, who had  won a $50 Whitcoulls voucher. The Lucky Pig had something written in Chinese on her side. But it was all gobbledegook to her. There were no Chinese children at school anyhow who could translate. Little Angela was only just learning how to read English. She couldn't bring herself to ask S because that would just show her ignorance. Teachers weren't meant to ask librarians things. Teachers were supposed to know everything! 

Turning around, she opened the magic cupboard. It was supposed to transport her to Narnia, but inside she found nothing but books and those annoying smiling emoji flowers that S had decorated the library with. These really need to go in the compost thought T. They distract the children from learning. 

Likewise, the spider plants. Why S had so many spider plants she had no idea but as Mr O was no longer around to hang them up she supposed she would be the one to climb the ladder to hook them from the ceiling. 

S had shown her were the lettering books were and T decided that the library needed a new sign. Instead of Library it would say 'T's room' and she would decal it to the window. Now T had a room all to herself and she could also make a cup of tea if she wanted to and lie back when she got those hammocks installed tied to the two fake trees she was going to get put inside, and get the library monitors  minions to bring her favourite tim tams. 

Mr Muggs. What was he still doing here? S had handed over the library to Mr Muggs to take care of, but now T was here he wasn't needed anymore, so she rang the SPCA. The SPCA said they had too many cats at the moment and would T like a dog as well? 

Back to the Future (Part 2)

 Dear Selina

It seems you have mixed up the space-time continuum and have now gone back the to the past and are now reliving your high school years. I am not sure I approve of this.  You will miss out on that vital tween intermediate stage! 

Remember what all those Sweet Valley Twins and Baby Sitters Club books taught you? Are you going to be an Elizabeth or a Jessica? Remember, Kristy was the boss but Mary Anne always saved the day. Plus you now have the added burden of representing all Asians like Claudia Kishi did. I recommend dyeing your hair blue, just to fit in by standing out. It seems you have cut your hair again. Do you still have that blue striped t-shirt?

This is what you get for still driving a Toyota Fun Cargo. It's now 2023 and all cars are going to be electrified, like they were in the movie. If you don't have one yet, you need to get on top of that or plug yours in at Pak n' Save. I'm not sure it can handle it, but worse things have happened. 

Otherwise, what else is there to do. Please look after Mum by doing the dishes once in a while, and Dad really needs to put that tram in on Lincoln Road. He was so excited that traffic lights have now been installed on Universal Drive, so that you can safely cross the road. Don't waste the opportunity. 

Lots of love 

from your bossy big sis

Library wishes by Ranui Children (part 1)

 I wish for a dog!!

Have a pet in the library - cat, bird, squirrel

make a movie night for the people who read more than 10 books

Movie Night

More magical decorations

A dog

Dog Dog Dog 

Dog for TWK 3

Dog

PUPPY

Dog

I wish that I have a puppy

Dog Dog Dog 

Cat Cat Cat

Dog Dog Dog

Cat Cat Cat Cat

Dog Dog Dog Dog

More decorations

I want some paints

I wish for a phone please

I wish my mum got me a new phone

More Pigs

I wish that I had my kitten back I am so sad

I wish that I had a sister pls

Walk in the library and no shouting

I wish I could breathe fire

I wish to be smart and beautiful as Whaea Selina

I wish to be student librarian

I wish that my sisters weren't so mean to me

To get the rest of the Pokemon cards

I wish I was a pro streamer

I wish my friends are not DUM

We should get a goldfish for the library and Whaea Selina home everynight

I wish 4 the library to only read 1 book 4 the library pizza wheel

I want Nicki Minaj to perform a song

I whok at a Rani Scool

I wish a rugby player could come to ranui school

Be quite and read shhh

I wish that everyone is nice in the library thank you

I wish my dad didn't leave

I wish my family back together

I want slime

Hi Whaea can we make super squishies for prizes

my wish is that there was magic in the world

Whaea Selina is the best library teacher

Better Work Stories - Garden Nanny

 Once I let on I was a gardener I found all sorts of people trying to get me to do their garden for them. I have to say I wasn't all that keen once I found what state their gardens had been left in. However, needs must, and I look on it as more of a nanny role for rich parents who are too wealthy to look after their own children. Because surely, if you have a garden it's because you like gardens? Otherwise you wouldn't have one if you didn't like gardening. So goes my logic.

In this job, I found out how the other half live. The other half, being the wealthy baby boomers who have just retired so they no longer have to garden, but still want a garden. They are not so old and decrepit that they physically can't, they just don't want to be bothered anymore. However there were a handful of stalwarts that still gardened but only a very few at Waitakere Gardens, and it was a select group. They gardened every Wednesday morning without fail and always, always had a cup of tea and perhaps scone or muffin afterwards in the cafe, and it was the highlight of their week. 

Then they would reminisce about the 'good old days' before the nostalgia got too acute, and patronised me by saying I was so young, that they thought I had just got out of high school. One (it was one of the Heathers) wondered why my gardening uniform was so dirty, didn't my employers wash them for me? Another was a retired school teacher who couldn't stop teaching and was trying to teach me how to garden. The busybody of the group didn't think I even qualified as a gardener and she tried to take over the whole village, planting in areas where she wasn't allowed. The others gave her a wide berth, and sometimes we gardened in silence when she was around. One lady always complained about the garden costing the village so much money but my boss cleverly gave her the all important job of picking flowers to sell in the village, and sent her off out of earshot. 

I would get everything ready, tools, wheelbarrows, kneelers, and head over to the designated area while my boss, who was meant to be overseeing them all so they didn't fall over and break their ankles, left me doing all the heavy lifting while he chatted on his phone. My boss was a perfectionist at OCD level and had anxiety because in the back of his mind the CEO of Met Life Care could come over any minute and inspect the gardens and if there was a weed anywhere on the grounds he would get the blame. 

I didn't think that would ever happen and never saw him at any rate, but that did not make my boss an easy chap to work for. The other thing he liked to talk about was his dream of retiring and travelling the world, and I have to say it was a nice dream (for him) but I had my job to concentrate on and I wasn't THAT old. 

The only relief I got from his nagging was when I mowed the lawns and could put on earmuffs and go up and down, up and down the berms. It a bit of mindless work but the ladies at the retirement were horrified that my boss was putting us girls to work mowing lawns while he wasn't doing anything but chatting on his phone. Hey it was important organising all the gardening schedules! Of course I was kept in the dark about this as usual and was only ever told what I was meant to do that day. But often the instructions were too complicated and I forgot because my boss liked to talk talk talk and talk some more that I could never remember his instructions after he started waxing lyrical about the Taranaki Garden Festival. He always promised he would take us, but the more seasoned workers said he just talks about it and never does it, and he'd been talking about it for years. I could only get on his good side by salivating over a meat pie. We had meat pies in common. 

The good thing about my garden nanny job I remember was the old folk who told me I was doing a good job. Like I would be out working at random and they'd be appreciative. But there were other times when I got abused and sworn at and I didn't like that so much. However the plants never complained and I miss them sometimes. 

The Banned Game

 The Banned Game started out innocently enough and then morphed into something more.

Is Lanolinland a real place? You be the judge.

It picks up from about page 59 and then carries on from there. I can't believe it's still going. You'd think Lanolin would be banned from the site by now.

https://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/the-banned-game.199014/

Better Work Stories - Heathers

 Aside from the two Fatimas at my school there were two Heathers. One was the Principal and the other was the receptionist. Unlike the two Fatimas, both Heathers were nice but I think it was really receptionist Heather that ruled the school - since she knew everyone, and lived right next door. Children would often refer to Whaea Heather and almost always meant receptionist Heather since they saw her everyday and Principal Heather was hardly ever around. Every time I wanted to see Principal Heather, she was busy, out or in an important meeting. 

Receptionist Heather retired and sold up eventually - I think she had been there the longest out of anyone and it was a real loss to see her go because she was the friendly one. You always need two receptionists at the desk so one can have a break, and inevitably one will be the 'grumpy one' in comparison. Nothing fazed receptionist Heather and she wasn't the one hiding behind doors in her office. Also she wasn't the one dealing with naughty children and angry parents. When the new receptionists came down with covid she returned to cover and it was as if she'd never been away. She also kept the staffroom kitchen in order and didn't write signs like ' clean up your own mess!' that were plastered all over the walls once she left. 

I wished there were two of me and maybe one Selina could be front of house library and the other could be in the back office and that meant both of us could have a break. Yes twin Selinas (I have twin brothers - I know how being double worked you got more done with less effort). But alas it was never to be.

Perhaps all the stress of being the sole Heather got to the Principal once receptionist Heather left. Or maybe receptionist Heather was so enjoying retirement and being a lady of leisure that Principal Heather thought it was time that she too, would retire. 

Heathers always seem to go round in twos because there were two Heathers at church as well. One was a former school  librarian who did scottish dancing and one was a former nurse who always prayed for me. There was also a Heather at the retirement village I used to work in and she was a dynamo. I think she ruled the village as well and often would tease me and stick out her tongue at me, and crack jokes about being inmates of Waitakere Gardens. If you didn't know her you would be extremely offended but she was mischievous and had a twinkle in her eye and tongue firmly in cheek when she ragged you. Oh it's Heather being Heather, we would say. We didn't know how she got away with half the stuff she said to wind us up. She could probably blame it on the other Heather.

I recently applied for a job at a rich private girls school and found out the Principal there was also called Heather. I am not sure I can handle all these Heathers. My sister had a friend called Heather also and mum could never pronounce her name, the 'th' gave her trouble and she ended up calling her 'Heater'. 

During Lockdown I finally saw this movie that was famous in the 1980s and it was called Heathers. They have since made a tv series AND musical about it but it's become a  cult classic about a bunch of high school girls - Three of them, all called Heather. They of course rule the school and Winona Ryder has to deal with all of them to break into their clique. 

One of the Heathers is played by Shannen Doherty (of Beverly Hills 90210 fame, remember she was the twin? Brenda to Brandon) and they all looked different but all had cachet simply because they were called Heather. 

I was very disturbed by that movie because it had guns and shooting in it and apparently it was pulled off the air when that stuff actually happened in high schools in America. It was supposed to be a dark comedy but I think watching it now would give most anyone working in a high school nightmares. Pity because  Heather is such a nice name. 

I won't go into all the Aaliyahs that we had in school or all the Nevaehs. But you know who you are. 

Watch Heathers, the movie.

Better Work Stories - Wwoofing

 One day I headed toward Ranui Action Project as they had free advice for job hunters on Tuesdays 10-12. I remember being desperate and going there with my CV hoping, there might be something around. The lady there, Rosemary I remember her name was, took one look at me and said 'You know what you should do? Wwoofing'

I looked at her blankly. I had no idea what wwoofing was. Was she calling me a dog? 

No she explained that Wwoofers are people who Willingly Work On Organic Farms. She also told me they work for free food and board, so they don't get paid, but the food is delicious. And it's nice to stay on a farm. I had to sign up on the website, they might give me a book, that lists all the organic farms, and arrange my own stay there. I would work around 4 hours a day helping out wherever. And it was organic! I wouldn't be killed by Roundup spray or anything. 

Wow I said, I had never stayed on a farm before. Could be something. And I liked working outside. So I signed up and away I went. But I did my research first. I borrowed a book from the library called 'Wild Yonder' or something like that about someone who had done it. It sounded like fun and she wrote at the end she learned things about herself. Like she was a lesbian. ?! er..

I thought she would learn things about plants and animals fall in love with them but ok. I then wondered what kind of strange people I would meet on the way. Well they were not all lesbians. Most of the farms were run by married couples that needed extra help and couldn't afford to pay anybody. Or Christian homeschoolers. Or empty nesters, who's children had run away because they wanted the city life. Yes there were some hippies but actually most hippies had become well off and turned corporate, when they found out they could make money from the farm. 

I worked on various farms, one was a kiwifruit orchard in Katikati, another was a Japanese/kiwi couple in Bethells where they were installing composting toilets and I had a cabin to myself. Another was a stock farm in Taranaki where they had 11 children - 10 daughters and one son. They were strict fundamentalist Christians and forbade me any mention of speaking in tongues. There was also a book printing museum in Feilding that had a food forest with giant feijoas. That one wasn't a farm, and it was in town but it was organic so it made it in the book. They were retired teachers/principals and I felt incredibly unintelligent next to them. Because everything was new and I had to learn things I'd never done before like light a fire. In Auckland we never even had a fireplace.

One couple up near Wellsford were English expats and the husband had a temper when things weren't going well. Several wwoofers stayed at the same time, when I was there I worked with a girl from New Caledonia who was Mexican and spoke Spanish. Wwoofing was also used as a cheap travel option for backpackers. We were kicked off the farm early because he said he didn't need us anymore. The place was overrun with chickens. One time we offered to tidy up the house as it looked like they never did any housework either. The wife worked in the prisons, and the husband was left on the farm to cope with everything. He wasn't coping. We weren't allowed to touch their stuff even though the dust was an inch thick. 

I put this all down to experience. My favourite was the Katikati kiwifruit couple that also had a large family they homeschooled. I liked it so much I went to stay there twice. On my return they'd ripped out all the kiwifruit thanks to the PSA virus and had planted avocados instead. I tidied up their library for them (basically just rearranged their cookbooks).  Their son married a Swedish wwoofer and I was surprised as last time he'd asked me to hide some marijuana in the attic where I was sleeping. The local church they'd attended also went bankrupt when the pastor turned it into a cafe so they were now holding worship meetings at home. I liked going in their cherry picker spraying vermicast and riding the tractor. They also had a mixmaster 2000 that you could program to make meals for you. I helped cook and could make whatever I wanted.  I never got to do that at home. 

Better Work Stories - The Book Battle

 T had her (evil) eye on the library. It had its own office, ample space, and she wouldn't have to share if she became the Principal AND the librarian. The librarian job looked easy. How hard could it be? S was always asking for help anyway and didn't seem like she was coping with 30+ children running round in there. T would soon put a stop to that, after all that was what the (evil) eye was for - one glare and the children would freeze in their tracks.

Never mind that T hated reading and thought she looked too nerdy when she wore glasses. Everyone just looked at the pictures and made up their own stories anyway. What the library really needed was a fake tree. 

It would solve every problem like the trees did in Lord of the Rings or was it Enid Blyton? It would have enough storeys like in the Andy Griffiths books, and it wouldn't have too much words. The tree not only solved maths problems, it was an acoustic tree. It reduced noise, and the trunk was made of 100% real wood. She checked the catalogue, which said it was eco-friendly. 

T decided she'd remove all of  S' hanging spider plants as they were a watering hazard, and install the fake tree right in the middle of the library. The Board would love it. She would then move her office in there so her two assistants/deputies wouldn't be breathing down her neck. 

Besides, if any monkey child tried to climb it she could always tell it off, for she had a big loud voice, as she had practiced karanga all her life, whereas S never had the guts to yell at anybody. 

But how to get rid of S?

T did not have Mrs Trunchbull's 'chokey' torture chamber but she'd learned the Heimlich manoeuvre in a First Aid Class on Teacher's Only Day and could always use it to pretend she was saving S's life while she choked down her school lunch carrot sticks. It would wind S and she would pass out and faint, because she was already so thin  anyway and nobody would notice that S was gone, for who even really needed a librarian? Librarians were superfluous to the school. Besides everything was all online anyway. 

S still lived in the dark ages where she turned pages and read out loud.  Books were just wall decorations designed to make your classroom look smart. Who even read books these days when you could just watch tv? 

Better Work Stories - The two Fatimas

 There were two girls named Fatima at my school. One was a nasty bully and the other was a genius. 

Fatima the bully coveted the wheelie chair behind the library desk and never let anyone else sit there. Chair hoggers got short shrift in my library. I usually resolved the issue either with 'paper, scissors, rock' or by saying 'Can you move, *I* need to sit there'. Bully Fatima would pout, and then reluctantly move. I would give her the option to be kind, but she did these things with a grimace.

I once gave her an award for being kind. I knew she wasn't, but I thought that might prick her conscience and shame her into being humane. Reverse psychology can work on kids! Otherwise in no uncertain terms I said if she continued behaving that way she would be banned from the library. 

Genius Fatima was different. She LOVED the library, and was more interested in reading all the books than sitting on her butt. Everyone knew she was creative, artistic and a dedicated reader. Her older sisters had all gone on to University. She outshone her classmates, which either made them in awe of her talents or insanely jealous.

The brightest left the others in their shadows. She'd have brilliant suggestions for the library and admonished me for not applying 'The Rules' even more. She inspired me to provide more creative outlets, she made signs for the library and she checked out as many books as she could. 

One time I found a note left in the library. A jealous classmate had written 'I am Fatima and I hate the library'. I didn't think I played favourites, but how could you not love a girl who loved the library. She wanted to come in the morning tea breaks every single day - claiming the school was too boring and there was nothing to do. 

But as I had not allowed food and drink in the library I wasn't about to break my own rule. Besides I was human and needed a break too. 10 minutes more than my other job. 

Better Work Stories - It's a No-Money Day

Whaea Laura picked this book out of the picture book section of the school library one afternoon. Nobody had read it before, well, not in class. Crissi the National Librarian had recommended this book and I had gone to great lengths to find it. Ironically it was sold out, and I'd spent all the books budget, so I couldn't buy it even if I wanted to. 

Crissi managed to come across a copy and donated it to the library. I covered it and put it in the collection, then forgot all about it. It was the rich kids who needed to read about this the most, I thought.

One day the Principal hauled me off to her office, and I knew whenever she wanted to 'chat' with me, it was never for anything good. Being given the 'pink slip' or rather, official letter of 'get lost, we don't need/want you anymore' was rather....upsetting.

After several rounds of pussyfooting and fake smiles ( a week or so after the 'fake tree' incident * more about that later) she let me have it. Hatchet woman job done.

I'd never been so let down in my life, but then I'd expected T to do the firing, or at least own up to it. The witch. 

I faced the foodbank scenario head on. This book makes me cry, said Whaea Laura.

I said, I know the feeling. I read 'Ida Always' and that book had me in tears. Who knew that I'd feel so sad about a polar bear dying? Trying to read out loud with tears rolling down my face is never a good look with the Kererus, and I'm an ugly crier too, I don't just cry/bawl my eyes out, my nose runs, and everything is a mess.  

Most teachers don't like mess, or clutter. This is hard to achieve in a library that has around 7000 books. Libraries don't really do 'minimalism'. 

Whaea Laura read It's a No Money Day' to her class. She said she loved the library because it was always a place you could go if you didn't have any money.  It was all I could do to scream, next year will be a 'no money' year. There will be no budget for new books in the library, and I would have to go on a benefit, because there would be no job for a librarian anymore. But I said nothing.

In the story, the daughter has a wish jar. In the library, I had my wish box. The children had all written their wishes and deposited them in my box. Before school ended, I took all the wishes home with me thinking, one day, when we win lotto, all those wishes will come true. 

I have stuck them under my bed, and I'll sleep on them every night. Dad is buying the lotto tickets. 

Better Work Stories - The Bookshop Job

 To supplement my meagre income, I found a job at the local bookshop that had moved into the Henderson Square (now known as 'WestCity') after Whitcoulls had left a vacuum that was filled by PaperPlus. 

When I started, I had to wear the green and black Elves uniform, and had to supply my own black shoes, black skirt/shorts/stockings as I'd thrown all my funeral clothes away. Now I found myself having to buy them all again, and a ten page contract on what NOT to do, plus all the things I could be fired for. This mostly revolved around - stealing money from the till, rather than fingering the merchandise.  And there was a LOT of merchandise, so much that the shelves literally groaned with books. So many books that the shoplifters figured the shopkeeper wouldn't really mind if they lightened the load, after all, after 4 months if they didn't sell they had to return them all anyway, and the fate of unsold books was grim- they'd get pulped and turned into toilet paper.

I wanted to rescue these unread books though I knew some would never see the light of day - nobody read Australian fiction, out of date travel guides, obscure rural NZ tomes about the back country, politician's memoirs and badly written vanity books. I read the uncorrected proofs and ARCs (advanced reading copies). I read the first book of the Seven Sisters series and it was so long and drawn out I gave up after the first one. I read Being Pakeha even though I am not (life is such a struggle being white, who knew?!). I read Sex and Vanity that was not as good as Crazy Rich Asians. I read Danielle Steel and Rosie Clarke and books on cars and treehouses. I read a book called 138 Dates about a lass who went on 138 dates before finding 'the one'. I read the Bookshop Book (our bookshop was not listed). Though most of the new books I noted and then put on my library reading list, because I was only being paid minimum wage and books were expensive. 

The most stolen book was 'The Secret' and we had a surprising number of witches visit the bookshop - they were always after the tarot cards. I wasn't that keen on selling the tarot cards. I once showed a witch some Bible cards instead as an alternative but she turned her nose up at them. They always came on a full moon. 

Another popular card game was Cards Against Humanity, I had never played it, but it sounded even grimmer than the Dad Jokes. I noted there were never any games or books that had Mum Jokes. 

My boss got annoyed with me as I was always suggesting ways to improve the store or to bring in more customers - Gold Card discount! Library card discount! Reorganise the children's section by age group! Put some seats in!  Have a faith section! Have a Greenie section! But as far as he was concerned I was just a pretty face manning the till to give him a longer lunch break. 

I only had ten minutes in which to sit down, check my phone, wolf down a pie, go to the loo and style my hair (not always in that order).  When there were no customers I'd be by the till staring off into space until someone came in, preferably with money.

Customer Mary pushed her luck a few times. She never bought anything but always wanted to chat to my boss and complain about the mall, while using the shop as her personal storage locker. Though her muffins were tasty. She was like the children at school who never read but used the library as a personal hideout. I think she was avoiding her (deaf) husband. 

I did photocopying with our copier. It was usually immigration forms and passports and CVs but one time I did photocopy someone's divorce papers. 

The lockdowns hurt the business (and the tiktok potato chip fire at the Countdown one Thursday evening)  but miraculously I did get paid for doing nothing with the wage subsidy like everyone else did. It's just when I actually WANTED to work I got dropped. Funny that...