Sunday 15 October 2017

The day the oil ran out (12)

The Lotto app did a magic sound and told me congratulations you have won! A bonus ticket!
"Dad you won Lotto again" I yelled.

Dad grumbled "Not again!".

"You have got to stop winning bonus tickets. Or you'll never finish the game". 

Dad just went back to the computer where he was downloading the latest old records on You-tube. He was up to record 4875902 Dot label circa 1954. 

"Look at this, uploaded just this morning! Only three views." 

I pretended to be interested, and then announced I better check on Slowy. She might have finished the front berm grass by now. Then she can get onto the hedges. I needed to train her to chew them straight and flat, so they don't end up looking like corncobs. It's buxus after all and has to be a nice, even, lego brick shape. If she could do that, we could make more money trimming hedges than lawnmowing, in fancier suburbs too. 

I went outside and there was Slowy the donkey still chewing away. But man, she was slow! She had only done half, and was looking distracted by the butterflies. 
"Come on Slowy, time's a ticking! Those bills won't pay themselves you know!" Slowy just looked at me blankly and then smiled at me as if to say me going bankrupt was never going to bother her. After all it wasn't her place. She was just the hired help.

I sighed. Being the breadwinner wasn't a piece of cake after all. 









Saturday 1 July 2017

The day the oil ran out (11)

I made plans to ride Slowy home and decided I would ring the Massey Pony Club and come up with the money once I made 400 bucks lawnmowing the neighbourhood berms.

Buffie had offered to express deliver a latte to the receptionist as thanks for all the horse manure she had taken over the years.

"How are you going to express deliver the latte when we can't drive our cars anymore?" I asked.

"Don't worry I've got some mad cyclists onto it," she replied. And sure enough one turned up right on cue in a racing lycra outfit.

"At your service, mademoiselle" said the mad cyclist.

It was Gilles from Woodside Garden! So this was his secret business. Gilles took the steaming hot latte and placed it in his pannier.

"Au revoir" he said, and rode off. He looked like he was training for the Tour de France.

Slowy and I started the trek home, while I kept a look out for my pink bike. I thought of ringing the police, but then thought maybe it will come back after it's been borrowed, like a good library book. I had taken the precaution of writing on it in a permanent marker "Selina's Bicycle. Please return to 41 Riverpark Crescent, Henderson. God Bless" just in case.

As we turned into my driveway, I saw dad waving a piece of paper and calling to me. "Can you check my powerball ticket on your ipad?" He said.

"Hold your horses, I mean donkeys" I said. "One thing at a time". I tied up Slowy to the gate and instructed her to nibble only our part of the 'berm' up to the box hedge. Then I went inside, dumped my library books, and reached for my ipad.

Dad was an incurable gambler, and spent $16 every week on these useless tickets that only ever won bonus tickets to buy more numbers. He was forever asking me to check them now I had this app on my ipad which meant we wouldn't need to go cross eyed hunting for numbers. He had been playing this silly game for over 30 years and we were always disappointed. I wish he could see that Sudoku was a much better numbers game and not one to give him false hope.  I placed the ticket under the scanner.













Wednesday 14 June 2017

The day the oil ran out (10)

I named the Donkey 'Slowy' because she was slow.

She was obedient and stuck to the path but by the time I reached Korero Cafe it was near closing. Buffie was at the counter.

"Hi Selina fancy seeing you again!". Buffie was smiling as usual. But it might have been extra wide because she had another customer - me.

"I'm sorry Buffie there were no horses in the paddock. Will this donkey do?"

"I'm not sure about that" said Buffie "But don't worry, I found an even better mulch and fertiliser for the garden"

"What's that? Don't tell me you are installing a composting toilet."

Buffie reached behind the counter with a large sack. "As long as I have customers who like coffee, I will have a never ending supply".

She opened the sack.
Inside was something that looked like sawdust.

"It's coffee fluff" she explained. "It's wonderful! I throw it over everything and the plants really like it! Anyhow what can I get you?"

I presented Buffie with my hot drink voucher. "It's a latte for the Massey Pony Club lady. She won't give me a job unless I join up. But it costs like $425 to join".

"Really? Oh, stuff that. Come do some gardening, and you can work for free".

We both burst out laughing.
Slowy brayed. "It looks like Slowy's hungry" I said.

"By the way have you seen anyone riding off with my pink bike?"

"That might have been one of my PD workers. They like to "borrow" things".

We chatted for a while longer but I figured by the time I had got the latte back to Massey Pony Club it would be cold.  Buffie made me a hot chocolate instead while I pondered my next move. Slowy started nibbling the geraniums.

My next brainwave came along as I watched Slowy nibble. I could hire out Slowy as an organic lawnmower! And then my dad could use the petrol in his lawnmower to drive his car.






Sunday 23 April 2017

The day the oil ran out (9)

I didn't want to become a member and then have to pay to work as I had no money, and I wondered if this was it. I looked in my bag and there was my 'Horses for Dummies' book. Were all the horses out? I hadn't seen any on my walk toward the reception area.  I would have to tell Buffie no horse and no manure and she would be disappointed.

But I did have one thing, and it was a voucher for a free hot drink at Korero cafe.

Seeing I had nothing to lose except my dignity, I got the courage to say again to the reception lady, I can run and get you a coffee you look like you need it.

She looked a bit shocked but I said, for being so welcoming while you are so busy it's on me. What would you like - cappucino, flat white, latte?

Oh, latte if you don't mind.

One latte coming up. Be quicker if I had a horse but it's only down the road.

She said sorry all our horses are out but...there is a donkey in the far paddock you could ride.

I'll take the donkey.




Wednesday 12 April 2017

The day the oil ran out (8)

Are you a member?
A lady eyed me suspiciously at the reception desk. She was sitting behind a computer, and it looked like she had just finished scrolling down a Facebook page. She had a squint in her eye and itchy fingers.

Um no..I'm here about a job.


Not another job hunter. The circular file is now full. She muttered.


I didn't understand what she meant by the circular file. I pressed on..can I see your manager?


No, she's out. You didn't park in the leased carpark did you? That's for members.


No, I walked. um..hey, you look like you need a coffee break.


Tell me about it, she said. But I must get this work done.


Well, I could make you a coffee and bring it to your desk? I suggested.


The reception lady gave me a look like I was mad.  She was now debating whether to employ me so she could do more work. But instead she changed tack and said if you want to be a member it's $425 a year, the forms are over there. Fill out an application form and we will get back to you. Then you can join our working bees.

Then she went back to her Facebook page.




Saturday 8 April 2017

The day the oil ran out (7)

Not to be outdone by a thief I stowed my books into my bag and trudged onward to the Massey Pony Club. 
I don't understand why the Massey Pony Club is in Ranui, I thought to myself. Shouldn't it be named Ranui Pony Club? There better be some ponies there. 

Upon reaching the entrance I hiked over the turnstile. Did it matter I was not a member? And that I only came here for the free horse manure? I was not in the age demographic to be taught pony riding skills. However sometimes children mistook me to be their peer, disbelieving me when I told them how old I really was. Perhaps, like me, one of the ponies had grown up and been put out to pasture. 

I looked around at the idyllic scene. Green fields and shady pine groves, with jumping bars and steeples dotted around the place. No ponies to be seen. I walked on to the stables and hall.

I had put in my CV my stint looking after animals at the Swanson Veterinary Clinic. That I was a long term member of the SPCA, and SAFE, and fundraiser for Lonely Miaow. Granted, none of these were pony related but I thought it might be more relevant than saying I had worked at my Uncle's Chinese Takeaway, feeding the masses who were too lazy to cook their own dinners. 

Dear Lord, I prayed. Please let there be a job for me here. My Dad cannot live on chips and ice cream forever. Also, whoever took my bike either repent or you have a special place reserved for bicycle thieves in hell!










Monday 6 March 2017

The day the oil ran out (6)

I kept on my way to the Massey Pony Club, momentarily distracted by the Ranui Library. Well I had to go in, hadn't I? There might be a book to read!

I chained up my bicycle and walked through the doors. Bunny the librarian was at the desk. Seeing I wasn't a child, she didn't buttonhole me. No requests, but I always made sure I looked on the withdrawn trolley. Never know what you would find for 50 cents.

'Wendyl Nissen's granny recipes' hmm, makes a change from 'Bitch and Famous' I remarked to nobody in particular. There was also '50 Shades Darker' and 'The Dangerous Book for Girls'. Another, that looked appealing was called 'The Hunger Pains'.

Why can't there be a book on how to ride horses? I went upstairs to non-fiction.
I kept looking. Sure enough one popped out at me 'Horses for Dummies'. That will do.
I then checked out "I quit sugar!" (for Dad) and "Chinese Cinderella, a tale of an unwanted daughter' (for mum). "How to live off the smell of an oily rag" also looked promising.

I went back downstairs to check my books out when Librarian Linda came up to me and said is your bike the pink bike? I'm afraid it's been stolen. I saw a man riding off with it.

What? I thought I chained it up?!
Sure enough the chains had been chopped clear with bolt cutters. My bicycle was now in the wilds of Ranui with some man joy riding it, illegally.

That was just great. Linda looked at me and shrugged. "Desperate times call for desperate measures", she mused. "Are you ok to get home?"

I sighed, it would just take me longer with these books to carry, but I'll cope.
I guess I could report it to the police.

Linda looked sympathetic. I told her I would just find a horse at the pony club. Maybe they would loan me one in compensation.

Good luck, said Linda.




Tuesday 28 February 2017

The day the oil ran out (5)

I peddle my pink bike out of the garage. I didn't deliberately choose this colour, the bike man at the bike shop chose it for me. However on the plus side, it means no boys would dare steal a pink bicycle.

I put on my helmet and face the road, now nearly completely empty of vehicles. Wow. I had never seen it like this before, and it's eerily quiet except for the faint sound of Mr Whippy in the distance.

Massey Pony Club. That's out west. I head in a westerly direction, toward the hills. On the way to Swanson Road I see someone walking along with a huge hat and she calls out to me.

"Hey Selina! Can I be in your story?"

I think to myself, hmm that's weird. How does she know I'm writing a story about this? Have I just broken past the wall? Am I experiencing the twilight zone that all athletes and runners do while running for any length of time before they collapse? But I'm only on Swanson Road! Perhaps I don't have enough water, am dehydrated and what I'm seeing is a mirage...

I peddle closer and see that it's Buffie, my garden tutor. She's smiling at me, but then she's always smiling. I don't have the gift of permanent smiling face expression. I'm wrinkling my brow trying to make my brain cells work.

"Hi Buffie! I'm sorry what did you just say?" I slow down right beside the foot path.
She repeats "Can I be in your story?"

Before I have time to formulate a considered answer I find myself saying "Sure! I'm heading to Massey Pony Club".
"Wow great minds think alike. I need some horse manure for the garden. I was thinking of getting some but its going to be hard yards hauling it without a vehicle"
"Well that's why I'm thinking of finding a job there, perhaps they can lend me a horse and then we could have horse manure all year round".
"Sounds like a good idea to me".
Buffie is still smiling. She then says "Sorry I can't stay chat but let me know and maybe we can sort something out. By the way are you into Game of Thrones monopoly?"

I say.."Uh not really, never heard of it. I'm more of a Scrabble person"
She says "It's an excellent game. You should try it sometime"
And then she waves me goodbye.

Huh. Random!



Thursday 23 February 2017

The day the oil ran out (4)

I won't think about it today. I will think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow...is another day!

Why the lines from Gone with the Wind were popping into my brain I had no idea. WWSOD?
What would Scarlett O'Hara do?
I thought back to the classic 1939 movie (and book) which I had seen about, oh, at least 50 times.
Scarlett, when faced with poverty and needing $500 to pay the taxes on Tara, made a dress out of her ma's portieres and went about trying to seduce Rhett Butler.

However that plan didn't work because Rhett Butler had no money. And was in jail.
As for any of the eligible bachelors I knew they might as well have been in jail with no money, because they all had their own bills to pay. The whole curtain plan was not even feasible since mum's taste in curtains was not likely to yield anything remotely wearable.

I just needed to escape to an even richer country and marry some gullible man there. Like mother, like daughter? Noo I did NOT want to be like my mum, who once confided in me that the worst thing she ever did was marry dad. Dad, was thankfully not around to hear because he had his headphones on listening to Vinyl Revival.

Well nothing for it, I was going to have to find a job. I opened up trademe and began looking for a job that would pay..at least 25K a year considering these bills. Hmm make it 30K because I hadn't included food. Or plants. No make it 40K.  But before I could type in the pay scale the internet froze up  and I couldn't make it work. Huh. 

Surely I could find a job by the end of the day before the debt collectors came? Or maybe I could sell something. My car for scrap? Since there wasn't going to be any oil I couldn't run it anymore. I'd just have to bike or learn how to ride a horse.

Yes. With that in mind, I thought were the nearest horses would be. Massey Pony Club?
It might take me half an hour or more by bike.

Dad! I'm going to the pony club. Be back when I've found a job!
Dad said ok. I will close the gate. Can't have the dogs coming in and eating our last chicken!


Tuesday 21 February 2017

The day the oil ran out (3)

Power $63
Water $26
Sky Subscription $37
Rates $598
Insurance $327
AA Membership $89
Car registration $215
Dental $180
Radio fee $92
School $350
Broadband $80

The bills were piling up. I did a quick calculation and saw I owed... $2057 this month and then I did another quick calculation and saw I had nothing in the bank. Because I had no job. Or income. And therefore, no money.

Dad didn't seem to worry though because he  was over 65 and on the pension, I was under 65 and on..nothing.

Dad, why are these bills in my name?
Dad looked at me blankly and said, didn't you know, you now have power of attorney.
I what?
Dad said, you sort it out. Your mum said I was going senile and couldn't be responsible anymore for the house, and its now in your name. So all the bills are too.

Since when?
Since she decided to leave us and go back to Hong Kong.
Hold on, she said she was only going for a week or so.
Dad said, that my annoyingness had got to her and she decided to abdicate responsibility of being a mother, and since I objected to selling the house, bulldozing it to make into a block of flats and selling it to the highest bidder, she had run away to some rich friends in Hong Kong.

You're kidding me.
Dad said gravely no it's very true.

Huh. I sat down. Well this is just dandy.
And then I wondered what rich friends in Hong Kong mum could possibly have. She always told me she grew up in poverty in a 40 storey government building and ate bread crusts for dinner and gave anything she earned to her mother while slaving away in a sweatshirt factory. Or sweatshop. I forget which. While simultaneously looking after her seven brothers and sisters. Could it be she was lying to me about the sweatshirt factory?

Thursday 16 February 2017

The day the oil ran out (2)

Dad headed toward the gate at the sound of Greensleeves. I watched him as he had a conversation with the man in the truck, and then returned to the house laden with a tub of icecream and two packets of potato chips. 

Got some more, he announced, as he laid these staples on the kitchen bench.

It was Copper Kettle salt flavour for the potato chips, and Vanilla for the icecream.  

Then Dad went back to his computer.

I sighed. How were we going to live on potato chips and icecream? Maybe he could, but I was starving! I estimated how long the ice cream would last, but since our fresh milk supplies had run out and Dad hadn’t been driving to the dairy anymore, he  now seemed to be relying on Mr Whippy for delivery and had now hit on the idea of using  ice cream instead to melt and use as milk for his coffee. Which made it extra sweet, but that was how he liked it. Also, the coffee, he said, helped him sleep at night. 

The chips, would last forever, as long as the foil packets were unopened. 

All my attempts for our household to be self-sufficient had fallen on deaf ears. Solar energy was too expensive to install, it wasn’t worth investing in a rain tank, and the energy companies were just dying for our custom, judging by the number of telemarketers who rang and door knockers who knocked on our door. Dad liked his lawn and wasn't about to give it up so I could grow food on it instead.  I figured having no petrol for the car would put a damper on things but Dad used as much electricity as before and seemed to have a she’ll be right attitude that suggested the recent news of NO MORE OIL was a temporary glitch and we would soon have the gushers back on again, or the Antarctica ice shelf would suddenly melt, revealing the black gold underneath just waiting to be tapped. 

I went back to my container plants which were growing silently as they did and waving their leafy greenness at me. It was only a matter of time. I snipped some parsley and went about making fritters of what was left of the Woodside harvest from the weekend. Thank goodness Mum was away and couldn’t see the mess I was making of the kitchen. But looking after Dad when he refused to be looked after and continuing to eat a rebellious teenagers diet that would probably be the death of him I felt was too much of a responsibility for me. Since when did I become the mum around here?

Or the breadwinner, for that matter? Because now it seemed all the bills were coming to my name.

Monday 13 February 2017

The day the oil ran out

We had known it for a long time but Dad lived in a time-warp where it was always the fifties. In his mind everything was like it was back when you listened to the radio waiting for the top ten hits of the day when Beach Boys sang how ‘Fun Fun Fun’ it was and you could just hop in your Daddy’s t-bird, skip the library and drive anywhere you pleased.

Well, for me those days were long gone and my employment at the library had shuddered to a halt, in fact some of them did not even call themselves libraries anymore but ‘information centres’ as if everyone was now a tourist and no longer read any books, but hooked up to some intravenous machine that downloaded everything directly into your brain. Of course, I rallied against this preferring even dead trees rustling on dead tree book shelves, so I suppose I was in a time warp myself, but I figured at least I would not get radiation poisoning and alzheimers from so much exposure to dangerous electromagnetic rays. 

Dad still did his soduku puzzles which you could now even get printed on toilet paper but we weren’t that desperate, however he was now starting to despair that he couldn’t drive anywhere now the petrol stations were all closed. And we weren’t getting any more oil 

No Dad, you will have to take the train and use your legs to walk to the station. Dad looked at me like I had gone nuts as he’d never had to walk anywhere before. Dad said, I still have petrol in the lawnmower, I will just use that to fire up the car. 

I wondered how that was going to work and could just envisage him attaching the car to the lawnmower and trundling up to Sturges Road train station on that when I heard something that sounded like Mr Whippy ice cream truck music sound out on the road. 

It was playing ‘Greensleeves’ and I wondered if by miracle the petrol stations had made a special exemption for Mr Whippy. 
After all, isn’t ice cream an essential part of the kiwi diet? 

The music wafted over the neighbourhood and drew closer to our house...

Monday 6 February 2017

Adamant and Evil


Sunday 5 February 2017

Breakfast at Denny's

Disclaimer -
Anything written here resembling any real life or fiction is strictly coincidental as it is all made up.

A NZ girls' comic adventure roadtrip through America, reality tv, computerbots, and other stuff.




For aspiring actresses, everywhere.

Read the ongoing saga here

Sneak peak - Chapter 1 - The Script

The continuity girl sits behind the director on the movie set. She has an eagle eye for any changes in costume or appearance. We are in a movie, working title, Breakfast at Denny's. It's sort of a play on 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' but more...Texan.

You've been cast as the male lead, along with your wife and children. We had to do a lot of makeup on you as your face kept showing up as red in test shots. Your wife doesn't like her hairstyle and so has asked for a blonde wig. After all, blondes have more fun. Your kids are happy to go along with this cos they will earn an insane amount of pocket money. I'm checking the script. The scene is at the mall, The kids are out of shot. Wife Dee has just left to develop her photos.

The camera is on you and you are looking in the display window outside a jewellery shop eating a green tea icecream. There are no lines? It's a close up. The camera is zooming in.

There's a giant poster of Audrey Hepburn staring back at you. She's at Tiffany's in her little black dress. You have made one suggestion to the director. You wanted Snow Patrol on the soundtrack. But I don't know how we are going to work that in. It could be playing as background music in the shopping mall. But as its Christmas time they'd more likely be playing carols and Christmas music.

I don't know what the next scene is going to be. We have to wrap up all the shots at the mall as we only booked to shoot for today. I check your clothes. Black t-shirt, check. Jeans, a little frayed, check. Props. Green tea ice cream, check. The ice cream is starting to melt. Better eat it quick. I should have got you to eat a danish instead.

The mall is really busy. I have not seen that movie, 'Slackers', but maybe I should. The only one I remember thats set in a mall is 'Clueless' with Alicia Silverstone. I remember it was about a stuck up poor little rich girl ...her dad was a lawyer..who tried to matchmake her new friend with disastrous results. It was based on a Jane Austen novel. No, not the one with Mr Darcy in it. This gig is a bit unreal for me. Y'all talking in American accents, which I find very amusing. I'm sure the angels will be entertained.