Jezebel

Beautfiul, seductive, capricious Jezebel. 
Ahab had been thoroughly taken in. He let her do anything she liked. She could have half his Kingdom or more, she was sexy and always got her way. 
It started with her legs. He noticed she was not like other women, all the Israelite women were quiet and meek, not like Jezebel. Jezebel wore nine inch stilettos and looked good in a figure hugging gown. When she walked, everyone stared. Ahab made her his Queen. 

His dad disapproved of the match but Ahab didnt care. He was tired of the burden of responsibility on his shoulders, of being King. And Jezebel certainly knew how to rule the roost. 
Jezebel acquired many fine things during her reign, clothes, jewels, furs, as befitting her status. She didn't know the one true God, but Ahab thought maybe she would come round, He imagined he had saved her from her cult background, but Jezebel only pretended to believe. In her heart of hearts she was all about herself. He found to placate her penchant for other gods he started building little shrines in the palace so she could have her rituals. God would understand, wouldn't He? She was sexy. And Ahab desperately needed to keep her happy. 

One day, Ahab, who was lolling about his chaise lounge and playing World of Warcraft ancient edition, (he was winning), Jezebel walked in wearing little to the imagination as usual. 
So have you bought this vineyard yet? Ahab, get me this land, I'd think it would be perfect to hold royal parties there. We could have an endless supply of the finest wines, what do you think?

Ahab said he'd look into it. 
Naboth wasnt willing to sell though. It was his ancestral land. 
Jezebel wasnt deterred. When Ahab told her, she said, what have you no balls, you are King?! Ahab sighed and went back to playing World of  Warcraft. Do what you wish my dear wife. 
So Jezebel used his name to sign the deed and blackmail Naboth into selling. She accused Naboth of harbouring young boys on his property and he was stoned to death. 

Ahab was pleased with their purchase. Another fine location to hold the best royal parties, he could turn it into a country club. He didnt know the lengths Jezebel went to, but he didnt care. Anything to keep her happy. 

But God wasn't.

God is a Surgeon

God is a surgeon.

How do I know?

Well, one day Adam, the man God had made, after naming all the animals, is so tired from all that activity that he falls into a deep sleep. He is a bit sad that there is no one on earth to help him name all the animals. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to except God, as the animals don’t have the gift of language.

They make funny noises but Adam doesn’t understand them, and can’t really know what they are saying.

It is really God who sends Adam into a deep sleep and gives him a dream, while He is busy with something else.

While Adam is sleeping, God opens him up and takes out his rib.

He saw how Adam was unhappy he had nobody to talk to, and thinks ‘It is not good for man to be alone’.

I don’t know how God did this without any bleeding or anesthetic, but then he’s God, he can do anything. God examines Adam’s rib. Perfect, he won’t even know it’s missing. I am going to make him a helper.

Adam has plenty of ribs and God chooses the fattest one below his heart to make a woman out of.

Up in God’s workshop, He had the blueprints. He moulds the woman to look like Adam but gives her longer hair, and makes her body more shapely. He turns her around and gives her hips and legs and longer fingers. And eyelashes. And he removes the facial hair, and gives her fuller lips. She is looking very fine and delicate. He also smooths over her skin making it soft and sensitive to touch.

Adam will love this, thinks God. Then he can’t complain to me he is all alone.

Lastly he adds in the woman’s voice box, fine tuning the vocal chords to the right pitch so she sounds melodious to his ears. Finally, woman is finished. The final creation.

Story of Adam and Eve, part one

Adam is fast asleep on his bed of poppy flowers. The next day, the sun rises and Adam wakes up. But something is wrong, it's like somethings missing. His heart feels all funny, it’s like it’s skipped a beat. The birds are chirping away as usual in a language he can’t understand and next to him is a new creature, one he hasn’t ever seen before.

Good morning, says the creature.

Adam is speechless. The creature looks just like him, but even better. Different somehow, but, it can talk and he can understand what it’s saying! Oh my God! He says.

God hears and chuckles to himself.

What? says God.

Who’s this?

Why it’s….

God finishes his sentence for him. It’s a woman.

Adam has all sorts of questions. But this woman can talk back. From then on, she doesn’t shut up, because God gave her vocal chords. There is much to talk about. Adam can’t take his eyes of her. He knows God made her just for him. (He doesn’t know she was made out of him, but we will come to that later). He wants to touch her, she looks so fine.

He holds out his hand, and examines hers. Wow, I don’t believe it. They look just like mine! The woman giggles. He wants to hold her hand all the time and not let go. The woman suggests they take a walk round the garden, and Adam says of course, I will show you around.