Jezebel

Beautfiul, seductive, capricious Jezebel. 
Ahab had been thoroughly taken in. He let her do anything she liked. She could have half his Kingdom or more, she was sexy and always got her way. 
It started with her legs. He noticed she was not like other women, all the Israelite women were quiet and meek, not like Jezebel. Jezebel wore nine inch stilettos and looked good in a figure hugging gown. When she walked, everyone stared. Ahab made her his Queen. 

His dad disapproved of the match but Ahab didnt care. He was tired of the burden of responsibility on his shoulders, of being King. And Jezebel certainly knew how to rule the roost. 
Jezebel acquired many fine things during her reign, clothes, jewels, furs, as befitting her status. She didn't know the one true God, but Ahab thought maybe she would come round, He imagined he had saved her from her cult background, but Jezebel only pretended to believe. In her heart of hearts she was all about herself. He found to placate her penchant for other gods he started building little shrines in the palace so she could have her rituals. God would understand, wouldn't He? She was sexy. And Ahab desperately needed to keep her happy. 

One day, Ahab, who was lolling about his chaise lounge and playing World of Warcraft ancient edition, (he was winning), Jezebel walked in wearing little to the imagination as usual. 
So have you bought this vineyard yet? Ahab, get me this land, I'd think it would be perfect to hold royal parties there. We could have an endless supply of the finest wines, what do you think?

Ahab said he'd look into it. 
Naboth wasnt willing to sell though. It was his ancestral land. 
Jezebel wasnt deterred. When Ahab told her, she said, what have you no balls, you are King?! Ahab sighed and went back to playing World of  Warcraft. Do what you wish my dear wife. 
So Jezebel used his name to sign the deed and blackmail Naboth into selling. She accused Naboth of harbouring young boys on his property and he was stoned to death. 

Ahab was pleased with their purchase. Another fine location to hold the best royal parties, he could turn it into a country club. He didnt know the lengths Jezebel went to, but he didnt care. Anything to keep her happy. 

But God wasn't.

God is a Surgeon

God is a surgeon.

How do I know?

Well, one day Adam, the man God had made, after naming all the animals, is so tired from all that activity that he falls into a deep sleep. He is a bit sad that there is no one on earth to help him name all the animals. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to except God, as the animals don’t have the gift of language.

They make funny noises but Adam doesn’t understand them, and can’t really know what they are saying.

It is really God who sends Adam into a deep sleep and gives him a dream, while He is busy with something else.

While Adam is sleeping, God opens him up and takes out his rib.

He saw how Adam was unhappy he had nobody to talk to, and thinks ‘It is not good for man to be alone’.

I don’t know how God did this without any bleeding or anesthetic, but then he’s God, he can do anything. God examines Adam’s rib. Perfect, he won’t even know it’s missing. I am going to make him a helper.

Adam has plenty of ribs and God chooses the fattest one below his heart to make a woman out of.

Up in God’s workshop, He had the blueprints. He moulds the woman to look like Adam but gives her longer hair, and makes her body more shapely. He turns her around and gives her hips and legs and longer fingers. And eyelashes. And he removes the facial hair, and gives her fuller lips. She is looking very fine and delicate. He also smooths over her skin making it soft and sensitive to touch.

Adam will love this, thinks God. Then he can’t complain to me he is all alone.

Lastly he adds in the woman’s voice box, fine tuning the vocal chords to the right pitch so she sounds melodious to his ears. Finally, woman is finished. The final creation.

Story of Adam and Eve, part one

Adam is fast asleep on his bed of poppy flowers. The next day, the sun rises and Adam wakes up. But something is wrong, it's like somethings missing. His heart feels all funny, it’s like it’s skipped a beat. The birds are chirping away as usual in a language he can’t understand and next to him is a new creature, one he hasn’t ever seen before.

Good morning, says the creature.

Adam is speechless. The creature looks just like him, but even better. Different somehow, but, it can talk and he can understand what it’s saying! Oh my God! He says.

God hears and chuckles to himself.

What? says God.

Who’s this?

Why it’s….

God finishes his sentence for him. It’s a woman.

Adam has all sorts of questions. But this woman can talk back. From then on, she doesn’t shut up, because God gave her vocal chords. There is much to talk about. Adam can’t take his eyes of her. He knows God made her just for him. (He doesn’t know she was made out of him, but we will come to that later). He wants to touch her, she looks so fine.

He holds out his hand, and examines hers. Wow, I don’t believe it. They look just like mine! The woman giggles. He wants to hold her hand all the time and not let go. The woman suggests they take a walk round the garden, and Adam says of course, I will show you around.

A tale of two Princesses

Jacob thought Rachel was beautiful. She had long flowing hair and was drawing water so gracefully, she only had to flutter her eyelashes at Jacob and he was a goner.

He resolved right there and then that he would take her for his wife.

Only one snag. Her father, Laban, didn’t think this was fair because his eldest daughter was unmarried. He could see Rachel was too young and Jacob not altogether trustworthy, in fact he was rather impulsive. So he said if you really love my daughter you will work seven years and then Rachel can be your wife.

Jacob was so in love he didn’t care, he would do ANYTHING to have her.

Big sister Leah didn’t care that much for Jacob or did she? She was happy for her little sister. Rachel was so beautiful that all the guys fell in love with her, yet she was smitten with Jacob too. She was flattered that Jacob prized her so highly.

Leah looked in the mirror, but she couldn’t see very well cos she was very short-sighted. Nobody glanced twice at her, where Rachel had a gorgeous figure, perfect teeth and fair hair, Leah was plain, homely and dark.

She had nearly given up hope of ever being married. So she parked her life on the shelf and watched while her little sister flirted with anything that moved.

Her dad had other plans. I don’t know if he thought he was doing Jacob a favour by tricking him or whether he wanted to punish Rachel or genuinely wanted Leah to be happy. Or maybe he just wanted to marry her off and keep daddy’s little girl and favoured daughter Rachel to himself. I don’t really know.

But what transpired was like something out of Shortland Street.

I’m pretty sure Jacob was drinking some sort of love potion number 7 before his big wedding day. The seven years went by so quickly and finally the day came.

Rachel had five bridesmaids, and one of them was Leah. Rachel was putting on airs and on hens night, and Laban decided to make a deal with his daughter. He was doing this because it was shameful for the younger to marry before the elder. Leah had never been wildly in love like Rachel. Rachel was desperate to get married, and Jacob was so handsome and popular she was sure the prize would be hers. Rachel never spared a thought for her sister, with her looks the best she could hope for was a lifetime of spinning wool and serving her father in the cattle business.

Leah put on her bridesmaids dress and saw that Rachel had deliberately ordered them made them plain all the more to stand out from the rest as the ravishing bride. But then the thought came to her. What if I tried on Rachel’s wedding gown? I want to know what it’s like to wear white and be a princess. Rachel and Leah were not the same exact same size but they were close enough. The long flowing delicately embroidered robe graced her shoulders and even if she could not see clearly in the mirror she felt beautiful. It felt soft and silky, enveloping her and she felt light and floaty as if she had wings. This must be what it’s like to be loved, thought Leah. To wear a gown fit for a princess. Aunt Rebecca had made it especially and was an excellent seamstress.

Leah lit her torch to wait for the bridegroom. She had no idea what time he would arrive and it was getting dark. Where was Rachel? Still at the hen’s night? She had stayed out of it, to prepare for the big day.

The other bridesmaids were due to arrive soon and were also preparing.

All she could do was wait..and watch.

What I learned from God through dusting

Lord, why do I have to dust? Is cleanliness next to Godliness…really?

Aaah – choo! Sniff. Sorry.

I think of God’s temple, and wonder did it have carpet or were the floors so pristine you could eat off them? I recall God said to Moses, take of your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. Well, it was made of sapphires.

Jesus said to ‘shake the dust off your feet’. Those towns must have been really dusty. He was also really into footwashing.

Dust, like sin, gets everywhere. There’s no getting away from it. I sweep the floor and the dust flies everywhere. It’s dry, you can’t shape it into anything. It flakes off our bodies and makes things dull and dirty.

I went to a funeral were the body was cremated. The undertakers said the heat from the furnace was really hot and the body gets dropped into the oven and roasted, then ground into a powder. All that is left is ashes.

I’ve burned rose thistles and thorns. When burnt up they shrivel to nothing. Is this what hell is? I don’t ever want to be turned into blood and bone. Bury me whole, and let the spirit of the living God make these dry bones live.

Just add water. I think of Jesus, adding his spit to this dust, making us new and shaping us like a potter with his clay. And then I rinse my mop and wipe everything clean.

A Supernatural Parting

Jesus only went away for a little while. It was just three days, but those three days had turned the world upside down.  They were surprised he came back, before they had even finished mourning and looking only a little worse for wear with his hands and feet scarred from the crucifixion. Is that Jesus, the man from Galilee? Correction, the Son of God!

Everyone was surprised and could hardly believe it. Jesus was killed on the cross!  And now he was very much alive. It was the miracle to end all miracles. Mary at first did not recognize him and thought he was the gardener.  Jesus had a hard time convincing his disciples it was truly Him. Thomas especially. Jesus took him by the hand and asked him to touch his scars on his hands and feet. Thomas had to concede it was truly Him and not a Jesus impersonator or a ghost.

As Jesus was hungry after three days of no food he joined Peter and John for a picnic on the shore.

What, they didn’t believe me? But truly I told you...

Oh I knew you were coming back, John assured Jesus. I just didn’t know when. I knew you’d need to tell Peter where all the fish were.

 And it was true, Jesus knew exactly where Peter had to cast the net. They had a big catch that day!

Jesus told Peter he was the best cook and that because he loved him he would promise to feed his sheep and his lambs. Then he took Peter, John and the rest of the disciples who came round to believing to the mountain near Bethany, giving them instructions for them to wait in Jerusalem to receive power from on high. It was His way of being with them always...even while He was away.  He blessed them all as He parted from them up into heaven, out of sight into the clouds.....