Zaccheus

Zaccheus had no friends.
He was a tax collector, so was pretty unpopular. Especially at dinner parties. So what do you do Zaccheus? When he said he collected taxes, I.e, was honest, people backed away from him and didn’t want to join him for coffee. 
Yea, so Zaccheus had no friends.

Also, he hated his job. Who wouldn’t? After all day everyday hounding people for unpaid taxes, and watching big spenders go deeper into debt and then hounding THEM about it, it all became a bit too much. He wanted to throw in the towel but he had a wife and family and thoroughbreds to feed and a mansion to maintain. 

Another thing was he was kind of on the short side. He couldn’t wear high heels as people would laugh at him, but he thought he lost a bit of respect when everyone could see his wife was actually taller than him. 

He didn’t even know how he managed to obtain a wife, but the matchmaker insisted, and well, his wife seemed to like him, at the time. Later he found out she only liked him cos he was good with money. It was a sad state of affairs. And there was nobody to talk to, until he heard of this Jesus fella.

Now Jesus was preaching something radical. He was saying, to give to Caesar what is Caesars and to God what is God’s. And a revelation, God didn’t want his money after all! So all this time spend collecting taxes in which he got no joy from wasn’t what God wanted anyway! Jesus said it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than a rich man to enter heaven. Zaccheus confessed it all true, it was hard. He wanted to give up his riches and follow Jesus, because Jesus didn’t care about his money neither. 

One day Jesus came to town, and everyone was excited. Zaccheus wanted desperately to see him and ask him questions. But he couldn’t see because of the crowds. So he climbed a tree. And funny thing was Jesus immediately spotted Zaccheus and granted him audience. Come down and follow me, said Jesus. I’m going to stay at your place.

Zaccheus climbed down from the tree and hugged Jesus. You are welcome at my house. Everyone was shocked that Jesus would befriend Zaccheus, the rich tax collector who owned half the town. 
That night Zaccheus resolved to put things right with God, by paying back everyone he had defrauded and giving half his possessions to the poor. 

Jesus was very happy and called him a brother as Zaccheus was being honorable and thus saved him from the horrible fate of being a tax collector with no friends.

Story of Adam and Eve, part three

Adam shows the new creature called woman around the garden. He is very happy to have someone to chat to, even is it seems she does all the talking and he just responds. She asks lots of questions. What’s this? And this? And that? Adam is over the moon as he gets to display his facility with words. He named all the animals, and whatever the woman points to, he gives a name, even if he hadn’t named it already, he makes it up.

This?
Cat.
That funny thing?
Bat.
What about that?
Spider
And this?
umm..panda. Humpback whale. Seal.

They seem to have been walking for a while. It is cool in the shade underneath the trees until the woman notices that there is one tree set apart from the rest. Why is that tree all by itself? She asks Adam. Adam says that’s the forbidden tree, and that God said not to eat the fruit of it. The woman accepts this and looks at the tree and surmises. It probably doesn’t taste very nice anyway. 

Adam is getting hungry. He says lets go eat some fruits of all the other trees in the garden. So they have fruit salad. Orange, apple, pineapple, passionfruit, grapes, plums, olives, peaches. 
It is delightful and they are full and satisfied. He hasn’t really let go of the woman’s hand as they walk around the garden eating fruit. He doesn’t want to let her go as it feels like she belongs to him in some way.
The woman sees the animals and they follow her as she shares fruit with them, eating out of her hand. She says she loves them and talks baby talk to them even though they don’t really understand. 

Aww. cat. She strokes the cat. When the birds sing she whistles like the birds. She makes funny noises in imitation and it seems she does understand their language in part. However it is all gibberish to him. 
Adam sees how she loves the cat and wishes the woman would stroke him too. He looks at the womans hair and exclaims how long it is, and that his is not nearly as long. Up to now they hadn’t really looked at each other properly. It is getting dark and the moon is starting to rise and illuminate the sky. He says to the woman, when it gets dark, we go close our eyes as can’t really see anything, and have this wonderful thing called sleep. Will you sleep with me?
The woman says of course. So Adam prepares his bed of poppy flowers and lies down and the woman lies down next to him and they gaze at the stars.
God is good all the time, he says.
The woman says Amen. She yawns and he puts his arm around her and they curl up on the poppy bed.

Then they fall asleep.

Story of Adam and Eve, part two

The sun comes up it’s a new day dawning, Adam says good morning my woman, and the woman starts singing a song -

You are the one who makes me happy
when everything else turns to grey
your’s is the voice that wakes me mornings
and sends me out into the day….

you are the crowd that sits quiet
listening to me
and all the made sense I make
you are one of the few things
worth remembering

and since it’s all true
how can anyone 
mean more to me 
than you…

The woman is plucking something that looks like a string and is making a beautiful sound.
Adam has never heard a song before. The woman then hums a tune and he is fascinated. How does she do this?
He asks God. Why she seems to know all about me? 
God explains something like woman’s intuition. What is it. Why? It is making him feel slightly uncomfortable as if theres butterflies in his stomach. Adam knows there aren’t really butterflies in there, but he knows what they would feel like inside as he named them. 
God then shows him what he did while Adam was sleeping. Adam sees a vision of him asleep and God opening him up and taking out his rib.
Then it all makes sense.
She is made out of him! She is his bone! Her flesh is his flesh! That’s why she’s called woman. 
He slaps his forehead. Facepalm. He feels slightly embarassed and blushes red. 

Thats why it feels warm holding her hand.
He then starts wondering how she can be closer to him so she can be inside him again. Cos nothing feels right except that she is always near. Even when she’s away for a second plucking fruit for breakfast he feels like he always ought to be with her and not let her go far out of his sight.

Joanna's Story

Mary Magdalene was a woman of ill repute. She was also a frequent customer of mine, buying perfumed oil for her clients. I did not vet who I sold ointments to and it was only till later I found out what she did with them.

One day she came into my store asking for the most expensive spikenard perfumed oil. I had one in an alabaster box that cost at least a year's wages.

Mary told me it was for someone very special. I raised my eyebrow, but said nothing. A customer is a customer. Her eyes were aglow and there seemed something different about her. I suspected she was in love.

I remember the last Passover before the world was completely changed. I was busy preparing with my husband and our six children. I was about to light the Sabbath candles when there was a knock at my door. It was Mary. She was grief stricken.

That day, something awful had happened. She poured out the whole story to me, and it was then I realised I must comfort the poor woman. Her whole world was shaken. I promised the very next day I would come with her to the tomb and be with her as she prepared the body, for her beloved had been crucified and she wanted to make sure he had the proper burial. She related how the others who had been crucified with him had been broken and tossed aside. It was a complete shock to me.

I prepared a mixture of sweet spices and myrrh and aloe oils for Mary to take early next morning. When we got to the tomb, it was empty.

Her anointed one had already woken up.

Rahab and the scarlet cord

Rahab was a BAD girl. No, she didn’t have Bipolar Affective Disorder she was the other kind of BAD. She operated a house of ill repute. She may have called it a massage parlour and nighttime entertainment but we know what that “really” means. Anyway it was in the centre of a town called Jericho.

One night some spies came to her door. They were Israelites. Rahab had heard about how God had parted the Red Sea for them and was astonished. But, they would have been captured had anyone known they were there. So Rahab made them promise, for her families sake, that their God would save her and also..gave the spies an escape hatch. 

Well the spies must have thought Rahab was an angel.
Rahab dismissed this. Angel, I? Obviously not. My house is the one with the scarlet cord. And she fluttered her eyelashes at them. One of them, a man with a fishy name, secretly fancied her. 
So they all hid under her flax, which she had been using to make hula skirts.

The angels were all entertained that night and rejoiced.

Jezebel

Beautfiul, seductive, capricious Jezebel. 
Ahab had been thoroughly taken in. He let her do anything she liked. She could have half his Kingdom or more, she was sexy and always got her way. 
It started with her legs. He noticed she was not like other women, all the Israelite women were quiet and meek, not like Jezebel. Jezebel wore nine inch stilettos and looked good in a figure hugging gown. When she walked, everyone stared. Ahab made her his Queen. 

His dad disapproved of the match but Ahab didnt care. He was tired of the burden of responsibility on his shoulders, of being King. And Jezebel certainly knew how to rule the roost. 
Jezebel acquired many fine things during her reign, clothes, jewels, furs, as befitting her status. She didn't know the one true God, but Ahab thought maybe she would come round, He imagined he had saved her from her cult background, but Jezebel only pretended to believe. In her heart of hearts she was all about herself. He found to placate her penchant for other gods he started building little shrines in the palace so she could have her rituals. God would understand, wouldn't He? She was sexy. And Ahab desperately needed to keep her happy. 

One day, Ahab, who was lolling about his chaise lounge and playing World of Warcraft ancient edition, (he was winning), Jezebel walked in wearing little to the imagination as usual. 
So have you bought this vineyard yet? Ahab, get me this land, I'd think it would be perfect to hold royal parties there. We could have an endless supply of the finest wines, what do you think?

Ahab said he'd look into it. 
Naboth wasnt willing to sell though. It was his ancestral land. 
Jezebel wasnt deterred. When Ahab told her, she said, what have you no balls, you are King?! Ahab sighed and went back to playing World of  Warcraft. Do what you wish my dear wife. 
So Jezebel used his name to sign the deed and blackmail Naboth into selling. She accused Naboth of harbouring young boys on his property and he was stoned to death. 

Ahab was pleased with their purchase. Another fine location to hold the best royal parties, he could turn it into a country club. He didnt know the lengths Jezebel went to, but he didnt care. Anything to keep her happy. 

But God wasn't.

God is a Surgeon

God is a surgeon.

How do I know?

Well, one day Adam, the man God had made, after naming all the animals, is so tired from all that activity that he falls into a deep sleep. He is a bit sad that there is no one on earth to help him name all the animals. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to except God, as the animals don’t have the gift of language.

They make funny noises but Adam doesn’t understand them, and can’t really know what they are saying.

It is really God who sends Adam into a deep sleep and gives him a dream, while He is busy with something else.

While Adam is sleeping, God opens him up and takes out his rib.

He saw how Adam was unhappy he had nobody to talk to, and thinks ‘It is not good for man to be alone’.

I don’t know how God did this without any bleeding or anesthetic, but then he’s God, he can do anything. God examines Adam’s rib. Perfect, he won’t even know it’s missing. I am going to make him a helper.

Adam has plenty of ribs and God chooses the fattest one below his heart to make a woman out of.

Up in God’s workshop, He had the blueprints. He moulds the woman to look like Adam but gives her longer hair, and makes her body more shapely. He turns her around and gives her hips and legs and longer fingers. And eyelashes. And he removes the facial hair, and gives her fuller lips. She is looking very fine and delicate. He also smooths over her skin making it soft and sensitive to touch.

Adam will love this, thinks God. Then he can’t complain to me he is all alone.

Lastly he adds in the woman’s voice box, fine tuning the vocal chords to the right pitch so she sounds melodious to his ears. Finally, woman is finished. The final creation.